Posts from the ‘confession wednesday’ Category

I forgot what to do

Here I am at work, doing my normal work thing. What’s different today (and for the past three months or so) is that I don’t know what to work on when I sit at my desk.

Without getting too detailed: I have a stack of paperwork sitting next to me that would take a full day’s work to get through. That’s for one project. I have about a month’s worth of work that needs to get done for another project. I have daily work too: questions from people, files to post online, equipment to look after…and I try to do a little reading and research too.

I have no interest in doing any of it. It’s not that the work is overwhelming…actually a lot of it a monkey could do, but it’s annoying. What’s annoying? My work. I hate it. Life is tough and you are not always going to have the best projects and the best deadlines; you need to work -that’s why they call it work. I know that, but this work SUCKS!!

I feel like I am constantly putting our fires, vs planning for fire prevention. I’ve tried three different task management strategies…I’ve read project management books…organization books…motivation books…so you think you’re stuck books. Nothing is working. Why? Because you can’t make these methodologies work if you can’t do some parts. What do I mean?

[for example]

• I have little to no power in terms of delegation.
• I have little to no power over my workload.

-pause-
Yes I know I could be an adult and say “Hey Mr. Employer; I’m buried. Please stop.” or “Hey Mr. Employer, could we try a different approach?” I could do that…oh wait, I have. No luck.
-resume-

• 90% of my tasks are emergency or high priority, so I can’t put them off without people knocking on my door…which is the next one.
• When I shut my door, people knock all day
• If I put my phone on DND, the operator calls and asks why it’s on DND…and I still get calls put through
• When I take a break or a vacation, I get calls because we don’t have enough things documented…oops add that to the list of projects

There is just a never ending stream of crap that seems to flow right into my office. I used to not say “no” enough, now I do say “no” and sometimes that doesn’t work. I tend to be the “go to guy” for A TON of odd questions…the fax machine isn’t working so maybe I can fix it (which it’s usually some jammed piece of paper), the copier is broken (oh it says add paper), I can’t log into X website (oh your password is incorrect), the printer is out of paper (well why don’t you fill it?), the printer is out of toner (well why don’t you replace it?), I can’t spell my name (well why don;t you go back to kindergarten?), the toilet is plugged (yup, got that one before), where are the light bulbs, can you print this for me…OMG it’s never ending.

I’ve been doing this type of work for over 10 years and it never changes: I.T. is the end all for every question under the sun. Why does it have to be like this? I appreciate the fact people think I know some of this stuff, but wow…is there anything you want to do on your own?

This is why I have no time and I am totally drained, I feel like I am babysitting for a classroom of 5 year olds -and I don’t want kids…so you can see where my attitude is going.

Actually…I feel better for just yelling all that. Thanks blog for letting me type [walk] all over you.

“There are two ways of meeting difficulties: you alter the difficulties or you alter yourself meeting them.”
– Phyllis Bottome

I saw the sign

…and it opened up my eyes. Ewww I can’t believe I just quoted that song! Well, I’m sure I knew I was burning the candle at both ends and sometimes in the middle too…but I pushed myself a little too far and now I am paying for it. So that’s it, all I needed was a little wake up call and things are already changing…

Say what? Here’s the scoop…

I got to take today off because I was in the ER Tuesday for 7 and 1/2 hours. Everything is fine and they think I just had my first migraine headache; the odd part was someone 27 coming in with their first migraine so they did a lot of tests to check it out. It’s all fine and no need to panic…because everyone panics when you say hospital right? :P

[what happened]
I left work at 4 and had someone drive me to the hospital right by my office because I was starting to lose my vision and I had a lot of pressure in my head. It started as just little spots that were fuzzy and progressed quickly. I was a little dizzy, but nothing too serious other than my vision. So I was in urgent care and the first thing they did was check to make sure I wasn’t having a stroke or I didn’t just have one (how fun); no worries there. Then they bumped me to the ER because they can run more tests on me…and they didn’t want to send me home. After some typical vitals the doctor came and checked to make sure I didn’t have a detached retina then said the spots, halos and loss of vision is what they call a “classic migraine” but they ran a CAT scan to make sure there was no stroke, brain hemorrhage, cancer, tumor…blah blah blah blah and shockingly it came back normal which anyone who knows me can say there is no way I am normal (ha!). Pre test results they did some more blood pressure tests, then started an IV…apparently they wanted to watch my blood pressure skyrocket and plummet since needles are my friends. So they start the IV and I’m a little woozy, but just feel like I’ll pass out a little and nothing big, the nurse thinks the same thing. Well one second after he started the fluid I jumped and tightened my whole body…this all unknown to me because I was listening to music and walking in a park or something, since I was passed out I had no clue. I woke up to the nurse yelling “HEY!!” I looked at him and was like “what the hell are you doing here?” – awesome!

After that I was beyond tired and freezing cold…2 hours after keeping me under observation and letting me watch people get worked on that were critical while my hand is numb from the f-ing IV they let me know all is fine and that if I rest it should just “reset my electrical system” -which makes sense because in the first few hours of waiting I fell asleep and felt better. I am supposed to follow up with my doctor or a doctor there in 2-3 days and let them know how I am doing and they suggested I see a neurologist because it is still a little rare situation.

So I am making a follow up appointment with my doctor and having my CAT scan sent to a neurologist for review. In the mean time I am cutting things out of my life to give myself more time for me. Yeay…

Other then that things are just peachy.

I’m might OD [overdose]

Yes, that’s right…this is a confession of all confessions. After all my quotes about love, life and more. My comments towards substance abuse (which might not really have ever been posted). After telling myself I really am a good boy…I might overdose.

It’s so sad to think something like this could happen to me, but it just might. I can feel the urge for more pleasure, more enjoyment…more fun with my friends! Who doesn’t want more? More comes with a price. More makes you feel terrible in the morning. More makes you feel guilty. More makes you feel lonely. More is NOT better.

I just might not make it…

That’s right, I’m talking about WEDDINGS! You knew that, right? What?! Wait…what were you thinking? Whatever. So yea…weddings.

What the hell is going on? Seriously? I just went to (and was in) a wedding a few weeks ago. I have one on Friday this week…and another Saturday. Next weekend on Saturday I have another wedding. Two weeks later I have a bachelor party on Saturday…and the next week I have another wedding. There is a different bachelor party the same night as the wedding next week and the following week is the wedding for that guy…and there is a wedding that was postponed until next year and then one of my other friends is getting married next year and he just asked me to be in his wedding…I know I have at least two more weddings coming up for my friends who better buy their girlfriend a ring soon or I might go crazy from the wedding tension that surrounds them. A guy last night told me he has six weddings he is going to or he is in this summer…they are all back to back weekends!!

Weddings…they are so fun, but I might me…just maybe…totally…SICK OF PEOPLE GETTING MARRIED. Wedding this and wedding that…blah blah blah. What’s so funny? Oh I didn’t tell you: I’m a total sap for weddings. *puke* I wish all of my friends happiness in their relationships…and they get it…then I complain that they got it. I’m so cool! :)

“Be careful what you wish for.”
– Unknown

I’m an addict

I have been taking lots of pictures and spending more time away from the computer -this is a good thing by the way. I have a creative side that gets lost too often; however, I also have an addictive trait that gets me sucked into hobbies. :)

Two weekends ago I had a double-header of a weekend with concerts. I took 1500+ pictures and learned the rule of 10 for continuous picture taking: 1 in every 10 photos will be a keeper. I had about 150 good shots when I was done pruning the pics that I wanted to keep. The rule of 10 struck again when I found that I had about 15 great shots…and one more time when I found 2 amazing pictures.

I bought my camera on May 18th, a Wednesday. 11 weeks later I am 46 pictures away from taking 3,500 pictures with my camera. Tonight I have another local concert that I’ll be taking pictures at…and I know I’ll take more than 46 pictures. :)

[conundrum]
Now I am just trying to decide if I want to pay attention to the photo count to try and get a “special” picture for number 3,500 or do I just keep taking pictures and see what I get? Tough call…I almost just want to take a pic of me. Hmmm we’ll have to see what I decide later!

“That which is static and repetitive is boring. That which is dynamic and random is confusing. In between lies art.”
– John A. Locke

On Thursday

I struggled with a few topics I wanted to write about this week for “Confession Wednesday” and like usual I talked in circles and jumbled the topics. I struggle with the line: how personal is too personal…for me? I chose to wait this week out.

A previous post pulled in more comments (and emails) than I have seen and a few comments got me talking a little more. I felt that one comment deserved the respect of a post response, rather than a comment. It falls right in line with “Confession Wednesday” and it got me to say what I wanted earlier in the week. Why would I choose the word “respect”? I felt Jane‘s comment was well put and questioned me -as well as others. It wasn’t an attack; at least I didn’t see it that way. Any well put point or question I always felt deserved the returned respect the questioner gave.

First: good, bad, indifferent…no matter what your opinion or view: thank you for stopping by (that’s for everyone). I’m not Walt Whitman, but I like to write. I’m not Gandhi, but I admire his candor; I can’t control my temper (sometimes when I should). While my words seem wise at times, I’m not Plato…and unfortunately I give better advice to others than I give to myself. :)

I use my eyes to judge women; I’ll openly admit that. However, I could give you a handful of my male friend testimonials to the fact that once the girl talks, if she’s not up to snuff on some level: I’m out. Is this always the case? Nope. I’ve made some terrible decisions and thought with no brain (or the wrong one). Any relationship or dating experience I have had has hit a sour point when I realize I fell prey to poor decisions. I learn from my mistakes, but that’s not to say I didn’t make those mistakes more than once to remind myself of a lesson. One of the best pieces of advice I learned about relationships was told to me in middle school (I believe it was 6th grade and I was between 12-13 years old). We had one of those school assemblies where they talk about science, or drugs…but this one was about sex. The speaker said [paraphrase]

“…you think sex is fun and someone is beautiful when they are all dressed up for school or you go out in a group. Do you think they look good first thing in the morning? Not usually! Most people are ugly! [kids laughing] You think it’s funny, but men come down unshaven, bad breathe and in their underwear. Women come down with their hair in curlers, no make up…maybe one of those green masks! That is the most important part of the relationship: at the breakfast table. If you can’t talk to the person you are with in the morning, the relationship isn’t going to last and the sex isn’t worth it…”

Personally: I crave the conversation. I have had girls tell me I talk too much. I have some girl friends (friends that are girls, no fooling around!) that just like the fact we can talk forever and it’s just that…talking. My happy medium is with someone I am attracted to that I can talk to. Hopefully we can talk on all levels, even the dorky ones. I know that’s not easy to find. However, I also know that a good personality can make someone that’s no so attractive become the most beautiful person in your eyes. I also know that someone gorgeous can become very ugly if they have a poor personality.

Throughout my school life, up until my senior year of high school and even some time during that year; I never had a girlfriend, never went to a dance…was never kissed. Many people dorks, jocks, whoever…all have that same story. I could talk about the girls I thought were cute that would cry in class when no one asked them to the next dance; all the while I sat there at looked at the girl thinking “little does she know I would love to go with her!” To this day I still remember that particular girl’s name, the class we were in and what dance it was. Too funny. I idolized a few girls on the cheerleading squad like most teenage boys; but my first mature (high school) crush was on a girl that was also a dork. We became casual friends; I was new at school and didn’t know her or her boyfriend. However, her boyfriend was dorky too so I knew I might have a chance if things didn’t work out (haha). Her boyfriend was a great guy and they dated for a long time; but I had a crush on her for 2 years…and when they split up I asked her to a dance. I’m leaving out details here, but she couldn’t go and I missed the dance. Later I met my first girlfriend, a band dork; and we dated for 5 years…after I had left high school and gone to college. While we split up, we remained close friends. At her wedding this past summer her and her sister still teased me about how I was such a huge dork in high school…my floods…glasses…braces, always the same 5 or 6 sweatshirts. As she put it: who would have thought years later I would shed my outer shell for my own style of clothes and appearance; but still be a huge dork on the inside.

How am I a dork? I went to summer camp for three summers when I was 8,9 and 10 years old…the camp was like school. I took astronomy, self-esteem, chemistry, pottery, wilderness survival and an earth science class (maybe a few more too) during the day while my other friends played outside. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to be there and I still got plenty of time to play. I helped teach a computer based drafting class in high school because I knew the CAD [Computer Aided Drafting] software better than my teacher. During my second and third year of high school my mom or dad would take me at night to youth engineering groups at the local automotive plant. Other nights when I was still 3-5 years younger than my club-mates, my mom and dad would take me to a local tech/engineering university for math club. I didn’t understand the math, but I like the topics and I had a teacher in high school that told my parents and I that it would interest me: it did. I would ask for math books that I wouldn’t learn how to read until I was in college and finally got to revisit them. I worked as a draftsman when I was 16 and I designed parts for an engineering company when I was 17 and almost earned a patient (company opted not to patient the new part that is still in production today). I started getting more interested in computers and I would take home Unix manuals that would otherwise be good for starting fires…instead I learned. I never became an expert in computers; but I made it my new hobby. Up until a few months ago I had 12 computers…in my bedroom. I now have 7.

I hated reading books and opted to be educated by teachers through lecture and conversation. Whenever I had the chance I would spend time with my professors asking more detailed questions. My passion was learning concepts. Almost two years ago I decided it was time to change my reading habits…I began to read the books in the collection I had amassed over the years. I have hardly stopped to take a breath since that day. Cryptography theory, patterns, chaos, biographies of leaders, Asian strategy and Eastern Philosophy have been my focus…and my favorites for a long time. Business and social ethics get tossed in along with some decent non-fiction along the way.

So what?

[the point: the real confession]
My soul is in constant turmoil. I have more inner battles between good and evil that I debate with myself to the point I ought to be schizophrenic; but I’m not. What am I talking about? The big thoughts, the big questions: life, its meaning, purpose, idea…God’s thoughts. Things on that order. I question my own ethics, morals and motivation so much I talk myself out of little things that are ethical and moral while I left the obvious unethical or unmoral things happen. What am I searching for deep down inside? Honor.

From the time I first knew about knights, I wanted to be one. When I grew older I admired Samurai, the Asian equivalent. When I read about Zen [Buddhism]; I thought of Gandhi and his words “Become the change you wish to see in the world. I have spent my life learning not to lose my passion, nor imagination and to build a giant encyclopedia in my head of concepts from various subject all with an end goal to understand as much about people, life, religion and the known Universe as possible for something I always knew I wanted; but never grasped.

Last week my professor asked the class a random question designed to make you think deep about yourself. He asked us to look deep inside and think abut what really means a lot to us; what do you want to be remembered for? That is: what would you want on your headstone? My inner dork, geek and dweeb converge on the very thought, not of being knighted, but of being remembered just by those that know me personally as being honorable. In the utmost hope that in my memory they will also find some honor (if they are not already)…and pass that trait on. I don’t want my name etched in stone; I want the feeling in my heart etched on others hearts.

In many situations as possible I try to do my best to find the most honorable answer to every decision I make. I make many wrong decisions and I forgot my focus too often. I still drink beer. I still sleep in late for work. I still cuss in the presence of children. I still lie. I still hide when I make a mistake. Yes, I would still go after Carmen Electra (if she wasn’t married).

Nobody is perfect and I know I try…but mostly I sleep well at night knowing that I am willing to try harder.

cheers,
bd

I had been moody and lazy

I got lost in my work and school and I forgot how good it felt to write in my blog. Silly? Yeah. It’s still true. I’ve been so moody lately because I haven’t been venting out how I feel…now that’s an issue I need to work on to say the least. I did find a new form of expression…pictures. I am trying to take a picture a day, not necesarrly one I’ll post up, but just to get used to taking picutres of things I like.

I have a digital camera now and I have been taking lots of random pictures…snippets of life if you will. I have always loved photos and I never strived to be a professional photographer or anything, but I love taking pictures…I like capturing as memory and a moment. It helps you remember the story that you really never forget…but you just need on little thing to help bring that memory back.

I love life. My life is decent, but I am not talking about me specifically…life in general. I like the fact that I can look at a candid picture of someone and see the fun they are having. It doesn’t matter if they kill each other later…it just matters that for that second they were happy. That moment has been captured and it will never be different…you can’t say argue over what color shirt you were wearing or who had longer hair, you can see the moment right there and just enjoy it for what it is: a moment in time.

Now that I am a camera whore, I have posted my pictures online and I have been going back to upload old pics and scanned in pics too. I have just a few left at home that I need to scan in…then from here out it’s digitall all the way! I have a nice little flash photo montage that should update with the new pics I upload…so enjoy and browse as you wish! :) babblingdweeb @ flickr

“The soul never thinks without a picture.”
– Aristotle