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Confession Wednesday #8

04.06.2005

babblingdweeb

I love candy

Yes, I love sweets…but only certain types. Of course I like ice cream, cake and brownies. It’s candy that really pushes me beyond “love” and into the “lust” category. What am I talking about? Willy Wonka Bottle Caps!!

You see I have always loved this specific candy and every year at Halloween I would pray that someone would be passing them out. As I got older (like 38 older…riiiiiiiiight) less and less people passed them out. You didn’t see them sold in stores and I thought all was lost. One day someone at my office had them; her son got them for Halloween and disliked them -apparently having no taste for fine candy. She was so nice as to give me a few packs and show me where to buy them online. To my great dismay, I never ordered them.

Two years ago I found them. Two pound bags on sale during Halloween!! I bought two bags (that’s four pounds for the arithmetically challenged) and was happier then a kid not knowing he was about to get 40 cavities!

Needless to say, I ate almost a full pound of bottle caps the day I bought them…of course I ended up getting sick. Now before you pass judgement on me, think of two things:

1) I don’t care what you think because this is my lame-O life and I know it’s lame; so how sad is it that you have to read about me eating candy and tell me I’m lame? Pah-leez!
2) I love Willy Wonka Bottle Caps more then a sex-a-holic likes sex…so what do you expect?

So where was I? RIGHT! I had eaten nearly a full pound of these soda pop flavored bijoux before I turned my stomach inside-out. Yuck. Other then a glass of water and a nap I only wanted one thing: my taste buds to recover from the tart sweets I had been pounding. My tongue was so raw it hurt to drink water. Was it ever worth it!

After sleeping my sugar coma off I was on a mission the next day…to eat more Bottle Caps! This time of course moderation was key. There was no need to ruin my taste for something so unique, people fly around the world twice just to sample! — Note: that is a bold faced lie.– Needless to say I munched on Bottle Caps for a few weeks after that and I was smart enough not to make myself sick until I opened the second bag and repeated the process; sans turning my stomach inside-out.

This past year I found them again! However, they were in only one pound bags…how very depressing. I was even smart enough not to make myself sick at all. That intelligence lasted until this Spring when I found Starburst jellybeans on sale…my other sweet crux.

It was so important for me to eat them I totally forgot that I might get sick..maybe it was the lack of tart-burn (yes I made that up) on my tongue? Who knows?!? I do know that I was laying on my stomach on the floor because that was the only thing that felt good. I cried as I begged passersby to please eat just one jellybean and describe the taste to me…I wanted another one so bad! I couldn’t eat one more, I thought my life was coming to an end the pain was so great. Again I had to walk off the pain and sleep off the sugar coma.

I have not since repeated those events and I have no plans to…at least until Halloween, or the next candy sale.

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