The problem is when something that actually could be fixed and is possible to be fixed, won’t be fixed. That makes me freak out a little. Okay, let’s be honest. I become obsessed. I really like to know answers to “Why?” questions. Especially “Why not?” ones. The “Why?” questions help broaden your horizon…I’ve always like those. I’m sure I was really annoying as a child too. The “Why not?” questions explain the barriers. I tend to obsess over those. I generally don’t try a direct approach to remove them…actually if I get a reasonable answer, I actually accept them. However, I have this crazy notion that I can find a way around them. I don’t know why, but that’s what I think I can do. Unfortunately, regardless of whether I can or cannot accomplish such a task…obsessing over it tends to be a problem.

As I reach the edge of frustration, I often find advice from people I trust…people I respect. The advice is usually the same: rather than focus on others, sometimes you just need to look out for yourself. Logical. Reasonable. It explains my barrier, but I don’t like it. Maybe it’s what I need to hear. Maybe I need to follow said advice. So why don’t I? After years of wondering about it, yesterday I had a moment of clarity after getting that advice one more time.

The problem is: that advice, it’s the answer to a “Why?” question…and a “Why not?” question. Why is something like this, and why hasn’t it been fixed yet? Sure people may have tried, but the probelm persists. Why? Because we tell people to accept the problem and move on. We tell them to look out for themselves -or they already do and they aren’t working on it anyway.

The advice might be something I need to hear, but not because I’ll stop working on the problem. Problems, like onions, have layers. This advice, it’s just another one of the layers.

First, after my last blog post I was trying to catch up on some blog reading and I found something. What? Let’s just say: I found a better way to say 90% of what I wrote. The Beginner’s Guide to Zen Habits: The 5 Principles of a Profound Workday I highly recommend reading this post.

Second, I’m not sure why I didn’t comment about this, but the picture of the pocket watch? It’s one of my favorite watches. It was my 93 year-old grandfather’s watch. He use to wear it on a leather strap that was taped at one and had a safety pin at the other. It’s not a valuable watch, but it’s a priceless memory. I don’t know why I needed to point it out…but I did. Now you know. :)

Other than filling space, what the hell am I talking about? Time, all manifistations of it. P.s. when I woke up today, if you told me that I was going to pull the word manifest out and use it in a sentence, I would have laughed. Alas, I digress. So I’m interested in watches (cheap, expensive, digital, analog, pocket or wrist); time management (books, articles, blogs, videos, podcasts and random stories from strangers on the subway); software that does something with timers or time…or hardware, fancy or cheesy things we use; listening to people talk about time management issues. I’m sure there are other things related to time that I am not going to talk about (like Swatch’s 90s alternative to standard time and time zones, @beat. That was cool!).

So that seems pretty much like a ton of other people. The weird part? I hate deadlines, time constraints and well anyting that makes me feel constrained in general. Yet, I like helping people figure out tools or ideas to help them set and maintain deadlines. So some mild deductive logic would make you think that I’ve just been looking at all of these things because I need help with time mamagement and none of them really work for me. Yet, since I remember them or tried them, I can just tell other people about them. That would be only partially true.

At some point many years ago, I was interested in the mechanical nature of time (plain english: watches). If you’ll let me get philosphical for a moment, you’ll see where I am going. I think. Later I realized that while I do still love watches for their mechanical nature, I was really just interested in a human’s attempt to visualize time in different formats and their desire to work with it. Or shall we say, within its constraints. Afterall, we see time as something fixed, if we base it on single day relitive to that individual. Time as it is specific to you. All of these time management ideas, gagets, software and gurus are trying to help you work within your constraints. That’s interesting to me.

People from all walks of life try to operate within this accepted constraint. It’s interesting to see how all of these different people deal with that. It’s a puzzle that give some insight into how we think and act. I don’t know what it can be applied to outside of time, but I just like learning about people…so I watch, I learn, I think. Many people would say I waste time; I’m starting to think I’m just trying stop accepting time’s constraints. Okay, I waste time too, but hear me out…

We need some standards. Need might be a strong word, but go with the flow for the moment. We need to ask “Are you available tomorrow at 3?” You need a way to know if you are, and you need to say yes or no. I need to say “I’ll see you at 3.” and know that you’ll mostl likely be there. I used “need” because I personally do not like the chaos I’m suggesting if we forgo all concepts of time. However, some of us…or maybe all of us need to forget time exists.

…pause… So I was interrupted last week while writing this and now I am trying to collect my thoughts and regroup. Let’s see how I do getting back on track. …play…

What we don’t need? To pay attention to time. We can’t control it. We cant even control what we do with some of it. We think we can, but we can’t. You cannot plan and schedule everything. We should all schedule time in our days to do nothing or something if your heart desires. Eventually, the free time we schedule should become the bulk of our schedule, so we start scheduling less.

I know it’s not practical, but wouldn’t it be nice to work during the hours you are productive? If only that we’re possible. So you see, I’m one of those people who schedules almost everything, but accomplishes very little on the days I don’t schedule my free time. It’s not that I want society to become the procrastinator’s dream…well I guess I do. Is that really so bad?

I’ve had a few months to reflect on my travel time and I still struggle to explain it all -well I struggle to remain coherent when I talk about it. Mostly because I haven’t really spent my time reflecting in a productive way. I haven’t been spending my time in NY in a productive way either. I forgot the importance of writing and sorting out my thoughts. I’ll remember how important it is at times, but that doesn’t mean I end up writing…and that’s my problem.

I started blogging and journalling consistently five years ago out of fun, maybe an adventure of personal growth and just because I wanted to. Around that time I started writing small editorials about current events. They say if you want to get better at something, you just need to do that something. You need to do it over and over. Maybe after 10,000 hours you’ll become an expert too (Google it, I’m too lazy to link it). So I was blogging, journaling, editorializing and I was working. Work with all of the emails, memos and fun paperwork things that come with that. Anything else? Yup. I was also going back to school.

I saw a noticeable improvement in how fast I could turn around my work, be it for work, school, news or personal stories. Then, as life goes, I became distracted and started blogging less. I started writing fewer and fewer editorials. Eventually, I struggled getting assignments finished as work took over and my ability to turn my thoughts into action items faded away. I’ve been through quite a bit in the past two years, but I have said very little.

Flash-forward to my second year of grad school. The semester coming to an end. I can hardly write a casual one page response to what I am reading. I postpone my work. Every assignment makes me feel anxious. I have late papers from last semester. Late papers from this semester. I’ve fallen into a hole and it’s time to climb out. So why start blogging now?

Now more than ever, I need to write. Write about nothing. Write about everything. Short. Long. It doesn’t matter. If I am going to finish this stage in my journey, I need to write.

I want my voice back. This is step one.

I cannot wait to go home to see my wife…I’m looking forward to seeing my whole family again. Two and a half months doesn’t seem like that big of a deal when you are always busy. It’s once you stop to take a break you realize just how long it’s been and how hard this trip was on them too. Being here has been amazing, and I feel as if I have a Ugandan family here. Saying goodbye to them will be emotional I’m sure. The thought of saying goodbye makes me miss my family again.

In addition to the thousand plus photos I took, I have many moments and images saved as memories. The combination of positive and negative images has left me with the difficult task of trying to contextualize and explain what I have seen, what I have experienced. The crux will always remain with relativity…without good juxtaposed to bad, the value of happiness will never be understood. Without showing or explaining the darkest moments, some of the lightest will not carry the weight they deserve.

Wether it’s development work, photojournalism or documentary films: there will never be an easy solution to this problem, just the desire to tell the story right and the hope that you actually accomplish that goal.